How old am I?

If you're 26 how old does that make me? Let's see. 2013 minus 26 is 1987.I was born before you so I am at least 26. No that is wrong. I was born in a later month than you so I am only at least 25. But Emily was born before you so, assuming I am also her father, I have to add the difference between your ages to my base figure. You are 26 (we'll assume that for now so that we can make this equation work) and she is (given that she was born two years earlier than you) 26 plus 2 equals 28, but she was born in an earlier month than you so we have to add one to that giving 29. The difference between 26 and 29 is 3. Adding 3 to my base figure of 25 gives 28 so I am at least 28. This would make me younger than Emily so, assuming that you are both my children, the result would be irrational. That is because we forgot to add in the age when I first had sex so the true result is 42. I hope that you are sober enough to follow my impeccable logic. Thus, if anyone should ever ask you: How old is your father? you will have a ready made and entirely rational answer: My father is 42. I find this an entirely satisfactory answer. It means that I am the ultimate answer to life. the universe and everything. So you still have to do what I say.

Altered Perceptions

Read this book. I have not even finished this book yet. It is unbearable reading. You will need a bit of distraction going on whilst you read it (I am listening to Rolled Gold). It is well written but getting through it is a painful experience because we cannot bear too much reality. Your perception of reality may be changed as you read. There are few texts (apart from Shakespeare's) of which that can be said.

Jimmy Saville was outed in 1991 on TV

I was just watching re-runs of Drop the Dead Donkey and rumours about Jimmy Saville were broadcast in Series 2 Episode 4 ("Baseball").

Henry says he has heard a very nasty rumour at his club and Damien says:

"Oh, not Jimmy Saville again".

This was first shown in October, 1991.

Exclusive picture of Prince George Alelexander Louis of Cambridge

He looks a bit dim to me. I do not think I would vote for him as king.

They flee from me

I am watching The Tudors on Netflix and have just got to episode 6 of season 1 where Thomas Wyatt reads his most famous poem. It is the best poem from that period and I share it below.

They flee from me that sometime did me seek

With naked foot, stalking in my chamber.

I have seen them gentle, tame, and meek,

That now are wild and do not remember

That sometime they put themself in danger

To take bread at my hand; and now they range,

Busily seeking with a continual change.

Thanked be fortune it hath been otherwise

Twenty times better; but once in special,

In thin array after a pleasant guise,

When her loose gown from her shoulders did fall,

And she me caught in her arms long and small;

Therewithall sweetly did me kiss

And softly said, “Dear heart, how like you this?”

It was no dream: I lay broad waking.

But all is turned thorough my gentleness

Into a strange fashion of forsaking;

And I have leave to go of her goodness,

And she also, to use newfangleness.

But since that I so kindly am served

I would fain know what she hath deserved.

The Weather Man: A Caine Moment

Sacrifice. To get anything of value you have to sacrifice. The harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing. Nothing that has meaning is easy. Easy doesn't enter into grown up life.

He did not write the script but he delivered the lines. The writer who did write the script probably had an orgasm when he saw his lines translated like this.

Happy Birthday Michael Caine

Well, he is a bit wonderful is he not? I like watching him in even otherwise bad films. They are only "otherwise" bad because Mr Caine is there and he is always good. He said of one film that it may have been terrible (he had not bothered to watch it) but it had bought him a nice house. I have just been watching a couple of those I missed on Netflix. Harry Brown - well, how on earth did I miss that? Go and watch it now. That's an order.Now watching A Shock to the System - one of those where there is only one reason to watch at all. But a damned good reason. Happy birthday Mr Caine.

Spacey Excellent

I am just about to watch episode 8. This is worthn the netflix subscription all by itself.

Philip K Dick

After Shakespeare, the author I read most.

That cannot be right. You read English.

No, it is.

Read, just to get you going,:

The Man in the High Castle.

You will want to read more.

Is There A Cure For The Daily Mail Virus? Part 2

Go to Part 1

Piers said:

I don't think dad bothers to get it for her much any more! But anyway, obviously the title is supposed to be shocking but the text does at least show both sides. What stood out to me is the government spokespeople basically saying twice 'we aren't getting involved in education, let the schools sort it out'. What??

'Most parents simply don't want their children's schools to present positive images of homosexuals'. Obviously a quote from a fucktard, but why would 'most parents' be bothered about POSITIVE images of (almost) normal (ha ha) people. I mean, I think they should be exposed to pos/neg of all kinds of people, as to make up their own minds. Usual example is 'terrorists'/'freedom fighters'. These cunts (the organisation quoted in this) need to realise that schooling isn't supposed to indoctrinate, it's supposed to give you INFORMATION and FACTS so you can form your own opinions.

I said:

Gma is rationed to Saturday injections of DM virus only. This way she gets the booster dose (the tv section for the week) and I have found that this reduces withdrawal symptons to an acceptable level. We are currently researching a methadone equivalent substitute but this has proved impossible to date. The guardian had toxic levels of media luvvy content and even the telegraph contained patches of rational thought prompting apoplexy in the subject. The search continues. Any suggestions welcome on the divorcing reality blog.

SO:

The DM Virus is more virulent than HIV and probably more difficult to cure. Censorship (as a solution) contravenes the fundamental principle governing all posts on this site. Any other suggestions? 

Is There A Cure For The DM Virus That Will Be Striking Down Millions By Tomorrow Lunch Time At The Very Latest And Causing Them To Die An Agonising Death (Think Napalm) Unless They Purchase A Lifetime Subscription To The Daily Mail?

  Go to Part 2

My daughter posted this on Facebook:

Even though it's the Daily Fail I'm a little bit shocked at the blatant homophobia. Please don't let grandma read it Steven Carrigan

How to Vape

You are no longer an idiot. You saved yourself a bit of money by not buying fraudster Alan Carr's book and just read my post instead. You also saved a heap of time. I challenge anyone to read Alan Carr's book in less than five hours. Even speed reading will not help you. It is so dumb abd boring. The early chapters simply, and only, keep telling you that he has this marvelous secret that will allow you to stop smokingg. My blog yesterday was less than 100 words and you did not pay a single cent to read it.

When you start vaping, you are likely to continue smoking habits. Ok, this may be obvious. I have been vaping for exactly 12 days. I have no rigtht to express any opinion whatsoeveer but

Rule 1: DO NOT EXHALE

This has to be learned. I can only do it when I think about it. If you think about it, however, it is not smoke, it does not contain tar or other nasty stuff, BUT it does contain nicotine. When you exhale you are therefore wasting nicotine. When you were a a smoker you were exhaling poison. Now, draw in and close your lips until the steam evaporates. It is obvious. More nicotine for your pennies without any extra damage.

How to Stop Smoking

1. Buy Alan Carr.s book.
2. Throw it in the bin,
3, Invest in an e cig,
4. Job done.

The idiot Carr believes and tells you (over hunfreds of pageses beforeb he gets to his only point) that nicotine ingestionion is bad for you.

Well, it probably is.

So what? Ingesting alcohol, food, gasolene fumes etc. is bad for me,

Nicotene is not so bad. I like it. It's te tar and other stuff that is bad, Easy, simples, those nice little rodents?, what the hell?

Steam. Vape. It's easy. All the nicotine and none of the other crap.

David David David (Bowie That Is)

My first concert ever was a Ziggy in Croydon. I was very young. My girlfriend was younger. We would have got prosecuted today. Both of us. I have all your good stuff on my iphone. I hope that the new album will be good. The pre-release single is, however, not very good at all. You ought to be ashamed.